I am 46. I don’t think my mind has wrapped around that fact yet. I know certain things are becoming for prevalent in my thoughts. Am I okay with my past? Do I forgive myself for my transgressions? Do I forgive those that have caused me harm? How am I looking for retirement? Do I still have time to complete some goals, if I really buckle down and really put some effort to it. What does my future hold? When will time be up for me? Does my family and friends really know how I feel about them? Do I really know how I feel about them? Can I still find love? Have I ever been loved? What is love? What is happiness? It’s just amazing to me that I have all these questions at the age of 46.
Like most teens and early twenty-somethings, I thought I had all the answers. I heard what my teachers and parents spat at me, but I didn’t listen. If I would have listened, would I be better off? I am not sure. I do know that I didn’t realize that I should have listened until my mid-thirties. I realized my life was just circling. I was not going forward and I was just hanging on to dead weight in life or I was the dead weight in my life. Either way I needed to change some key people in my life.
I accepted myself as being gay when I was 19 which was 1990. This also was during the high number of deaths from the AIDS epidemic. It was a tough time to be gay. I had several newly formed relationships with member of the gay community that were HIV+. The media, the political, and religious opinions of the disease and the LGBT community were frightening.
What was equally as scary was the LGBT community itself during that time. The activists protesting was scary and confused me. I believed in what they were saying, but not how they were doing it. I wanted to help my community but at 19 there was little I could do. I was turned away by many organizations and the few that did accept me put me in some situations that were questionable at best.
I was also confused on what being a gay man meant. Hell, I didn’t even really know how to be a man. My idea of man was someone who worked really hard and brought in the money for his family. He was very seldom seen by his children, but when you saw, respected him. That was my dad. It was the only role model I had.
So the only thing I knew about being a man was making money and the only thing I knew about being a gay man was you were supposed to party all the time and have sex with everyone. Thanks to living a small rural town, I had already been well versed in how to party and my tolerance level was off the charts. However, the sex thing was an issue because though my father was an absent parent. My mother wasn’t and she instilled in me dignity and common decency. So the many orgies, threesomes, and hundreds of multiple sex partners was out of the question. Don’t get me wrong the cat played just not as much as I was led to believe would happen.
It took my 36 years to get a glimpse of what real man means to me and 15 of those years was cultivating what being a gay man mean to me. I learned that really there is no difference between the two. It is no different for me in what being a man means and what being a gay man means. Like most things in life, I should have listened to my mother years ago and I could have cut that time down. My mother told me many years ago that all my conversations don’t have to be about me being gay because being gay is not all who I am. She was right as usual. There you have it in print mother. You were right.
I am not only gay and I am not only male. There are many different layers to me and to us. To paraphrase Shrek, we have layers. I enjoying writing. I love theatre. I enjoying dancing. I love to travel. I am an avid movie goer. I love to get lost in historical facts, places, and items. I like helping dogs and children. I am very passionate about cooking, feeding people, throwing parties, and experimenting with food. I love my son and I love my family. I try to be a kind and generous person. I try to be a good friend. I try to be as honest as I possibly can (which believe you me that took great skill in cultivating). Even though I have my down time, I try to remain positive. I am very open and don’t hide anything about myself. I am also what I consider a New Age Christian. I like everyone out there wear many hats.
Finally realizing that made me look at my life and realize that I knew what my definition of a man was. I believe a man should be trustworthy, kind, compassionate, adventurous, knowledgeable, open-minded, listens more than speaks, provides for himself and his family, have a strong belief, but not so strong that it suffocates him or others around him, honest, and my favorite, authentic. That is what a man is for me. I strive to achieve all of that and at times I will fail because we are all works in progress.
